Religious School

(This play is adapted from a novel called ďGet a lifeĒ)


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SCENE: Kitchen with characters around the table: Uncle Ed, Albert (grandpa), Emma (grandma), and Kenny. Albert is seated at one end; Emma at the other, Kenny is seated across from the standing and pacing Uncle Ed)


UNCLE ED: I donít believe this. One day in that Goddamn religious school and the boyís already in trouble. (glaring at Kenny) What did you do this time, boy?


KENNY: I didnít do anything, Uncle Ed.


UNCLE ED: Then why did the nuns send you home with a note?


ALBERT: Calm down, Ed. Itís only a note.


UNCLE ED: Itís a note that says the school wants one of us to go down there and talk to the nuns tomorrow.


ALBERT: It could be for any reason.


UNCLE ED: If it was for a good reason, they would have said so in the note. One day, thatís all it took for him to get intro trouble.


ALBERT: Your mother will go down there in the morning with the boy and straighten things out.


UNCLE ED: I donít think thatís good enough, Pa.


ALBERT: What exactly did you have in mind?


UNCLE ED: I think the boy needs a beating.


ALBERT: Thatís your sisterís boy, Ed. Heís kin.


UNCLE ED: I know who he is, Pa, and I know all the trouble heís caused here in the neighborhood.


ALBERT: What kind of trouble?


UNCLE ED: You must remember when he shot Mr. Williams in the face with his peashooter.


ALBERT: That was an accident. The boy was shooting at a sign.


UNCLE ED: Thatís not all, and you know it. Trouble is the boyís middle name. Iím sure that school got along just find before the boy came along. Heís got the devil in him.


ALBERT: And you donít think Religious school can handle the devil?


UNCLE ED: Not this time. I think we need to whack it out of him.


ALBERT: Did I ever whack you?


UNCLE ED: I didnít terrorize the neighborhood like he does.


ALBERT: There you go again with that. Donít you think terrorizing is putting it a little strong?


UNCLE ED: †No. People are afraid of the boy. When they see him coming they yank their kids inside and lock their doors.


EMMA: Itís true, Albert. Not a day goes by when someone isnít calling to complain about something the boy has done.


ALBERT: Like what? I mean besides the peashooter business.


UNCLE ED: Like Mrs. Gunya. She caught him picking her prize flowers.


ALBERT: So you would beat the boy for picking flowers?


UNCLE ED: Thatís not all he does. Just the other day we caught him playing with matches.


ALBERT: What boy doesnít play with matches? You did at his age, too.


UNCLE ED: Itís not me weíre talking about. Itís the boy. Heís the one they want to toss out of school.


ALBERT: Itís just a note, Ed.


UNCLE ED: A note on his first day, Pa!


ALBERT: I told you. Your mother will straighten it out.


UNCLE ED: If it can be straightened out. We may never get to the bottom of this.


ALBERT: Did you bother asking the boy what he did?


UNCLE ED: Sure I did. But he just sits there and says he doesnít know


ALBERT: Maybe you didnít ask him right?


UNCLE ED: You mean thereís a right and wrong way to wring the truth out of him?


ALBERT: Let me try. (To Kenny) Why did the nuns give you that note, Kenny?


KENNY: I donít know, grandpa.




ALBERT: Shut up, Ed. (To Kenny) Can you try and remember anything that might have happened while you were at school?


KENNY: All I remember is saying that I didnít believe in God.


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