A letter from The President

(after years of my email messages to President Bush, I figured this is the response I would get if the president actually wrote back)



Dear Mr. Sullivan:

As President of the United States, I didnít want to go to war.

Saddam made me

He wouldnít lie down and die when I told him to.

He saw right through me and what a chicken shit I really am.

And he thought all Americans were too soft, pretend cowboys he loved to push around.

And he believed the liberals would keep me from coming after him if I ever got up guts enough to take him on.

All this made me very angry, and Iím a bit reckless when I lose my temper.

How dare that nitwit leader of a piss ant country stand up to me, The President of the most powerful country in the world.

His country didnít even have the bomb Ė just some pathetic biological shit nearly anybody with a little money could make.

And I figured if that piss an t got wind out how chicken shit Americans were, then everybody in the world would walk all over us and refuse to listen when we told them what to do.

So I figured I had to teach Saddam a lesson.

I hated the idea that most of the world saw Americans as gutless liberals more concerned with human rights than standing tall.

So I figured I also had to put our liberals in their place.

But I knew I had to get the public behind me first Ė an excuse to invade Iraq, the way my father had used the Invasion of Kuwait.

Unlike Americans my father knew from the old days, modern American parents werenít going to let their kids go off and get killed for anything so petty as Kuwait.

And without something big even my own generals would listen to a National Guard drop out like me.

Bin Laden never did me a bigger favor than when he attacked the United States on Sept. 11, 2001.

He shut up those liberals for me.

Of course, I had to pretend like our CIA didnít tell me the attack was coming. This helped scare America so bad that people were willing to do nearly anything I said and put up with almost any infringement on their civil rights.

They even believed me when I said Bin Laden was connected to Saddam when I made up the whole thing.

Sure, the Liberals saw through my bullshit.

And Saddam laughed, thinking I was still too chicken shit to do anything or that Americans wouldnít put up with another Vietnam.

Maybe he didnít quite understand what we intended by passing the Patriot Act, designed as much to keep the liberals quiet as to pretend like we were protecting the American people.

American kids flocked to the recruiting stations in droves just to get even for the attack.

And to tell you the truth, for the first time since I became President, I really felt like I was somebody important.

I told Saddam to surrender or die.

I admit I didnít think the war would go on after we got Saddam.

That scared me a little.

Maybe their kids have more to fight about than ours do.

And that has given the liberals ammunition to attack me.

Yet every time I think they might hurt me, I get congress to pass the Patriot Act again..

That keeps everybody in line

Hell, I can even spy on the liberals without court approval, and use what I find out against them whenever they get too uppity.

And our boys will keep fighting I know even if we have to kill everyone in Iraq.

Then the world will know better than to mess with George W. Bush.


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