Sometimes I feel so uninspired

 

Iím scared I might lose my looks and nobodyíll love me.

People tell me all musicians go through this, that we start out in this game for the sex, and later have to settle for the music because we canít get the same thrill out of having tons of girls the way we used to.

Itís already started with me.

When I go out into the car between sets, I made the girl go down on me -- not because we donít have time for anything else, but because thatís all I can handle.

I play good music. I love being on the stage.

But itís something else that makes me ache for it when I havenít performed in a while, and itís not the girls.

Maybe I just need to know the people are out there and that they want me, and even if I didnít get as much as I did every time we play, I would be happy with their craving me.

Lately, Iíve wondered, if I lose the craving for sex, what will I lose next?

Sometimes I think about it too much when Iím on stage, when I see the faces in the crowd, and wonder if they will fade, too.

Then I stumble over some easy lick that Iíve known by heart since I was sixteen and see people cringe, as if they think Iím losing it, too.

Sure, I know now Iíll never be good enough to get on a CD or make a name like The Rolling Stones.

Those kind are rare.

But I always figured I could keep the kicks even when I got too old to handle the hours or the alcohol or the sex.

Now Iím not sure. And the more I think about it, the more mistakes I make, and the more I think Iím less of a musician than I once thought.

I try not to think about anything but what Iím playing, even when I had to take up a gig with a group of musicians who arenít half as good as I am, and play gigs in dives I wouldnít have dreamed of playing when I played with my old bands.

Even the women scanky, older broads who used to follow other bands until the bands used them up, or chicks so ugly nobody ever wanted them except in places like this.

I go out to the car with them all, making them do their best to give me the old kicks.

Some nights I get close. Those nights I almost play as good on stage as when I felt good about myself.

I keep hoping I can string along enough good nights to forget the bad nights, and make it back to the place where I didnít think that bad nights could ever happen.

But itís so hard. And sometimes, I just feel so uninspired.

 


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