Faith explains everything
When I nearly ran out of gas on my way home from the prayer meeting, I knew I was having a crisis of faith.
When the front light went out when I flipped the switch at home, I knew I was right.
I blamed Bill Northgrave for this mess, for his refusing to recognize Jesus Christ as his personal savior.
Since he and others refuse to listen to the Lord, the world is all screwed up.
Good Christians knew all along that modern science is a joke.
Evolution is not real
The world is only a few thousand years old
And the Lord created the world in only seven days.
So when one of our more brilliant minds claimed that everything really runs on faith, we all accepted it. After all, it made sense to us.
Faith, not gas makes our cars run.
Electricity is generated by our beliefs, not some mysterious power plant. Our prayers allowed our airplanes to fly.
We knew that if we believed strongly enough, we could run the world right.
We firmly believe that bad things happen because people just donít have faith.
That explains the blackout we had in the Northeast last month. God was unhappy with the lack of faith in New York.
We also understand that it is our job as true believers to convince others to believe so that we can continue to generate the power we need to run our cities and the gasoline we need to drive our cars.
In my part of this quest, I picked Bill to save.
But he has flatly refused to accept Jesus, and this has led to a string of problems in our neighborhood. Trains donít run on time. Mail deliveries are late because of stalled trucks. Weíve even seen a spike in crime as others follow Billís example and refuse the Lord.
I blame myself for not having enough faith to move Bill, or to move the mountain to Bill.
This is not for the lack of trying.
Every time I see Bill I plead with him to understand.
I show him how each thing operates when I put my faith to it, such as the electric can opener or even the automatic garage door.
I tell him we need him to make a perfect world, that we all need to believe in the same way to make sure that the world runs smoothly.
But he continues to resist me, and thus threatens the stability of the world.
Tonight, on my way back from the prayer meeting, I stopped off at Billís house to preach.
I could tell he was at home because his house was dark and his doorbell did not work.
I was convinced that if I could save him, I could help reverse the terrible decline in civilization, and live up to my personal mandate from the Lord, saving Bill and myself at the same time.
Eventually, Bill came to the door and told me that if I didnít leave him alone, he would call the police.
As if with his lack of faith his phone actually worked.
I told him I forgave him and that all would be well if we prayed together.
He said I was crazy, that all of us Christians were crazy for believing faith ran the world.
I tried to assure him we have room for both science and faith, provided faith came first.
He asked why Ė if I believed faith ran my car Ė I bothered to put gasoline in the tank?
I told him the Lord demands some token of faith, and by paying for the gas, we make offerings to Him.
Bill suggested I donít make the offering to see if the car runs anyway.
I said if I donít make the offering, the Lord will doubt my faith and halt the car.
Bill told me, try it on gas alone.
For one brief moment, doubt crossed my mind.
This, of course, was my undoing.
Even as I drove home, my car sputtered.
I kept looking at the meter and the needle resting on empty.
I prayed and prayed, but the car still sputtered.
I felt fortunate to reach home without being struck by lightning.
Then I turned the light switch on, and pop Ė out went the lights.
I ran through the house turning on appliance after appliance, taking comfort at the cacophony of sound until all at once they all went out, too, and I realized I was doomed.
Thatís why I got the gun out of the basement.
I donít know if I have enough faith to make it work
And if I do, make it work more than once.
But the first bullet is for Bill, and God willing, the second is for myself.