Being Captain Kirk

 

All I ever wanted to be is Captain Kirk.

I know Iím a girl.

This has nothing to do with sex or any gay feelings.

This has to do with power.

My parents fought a lot when I was young.

They didnít pay much attention to me or what I did.

So I spent a lot of time in front of the TV with the volume up, trying to drown out the angry voices.

I avoided the kidsí shows because they always went on and on about how nice everybody was.

They wanted me to sing silly songs and believe in things that werenít real.

I surfed through the channels instead of the loudest most violence programs I could find, trying to pretend the beatings I heard in the other room were part of the sound track.

Then I stumbled on Star Trek, and I hated it at first.

It wasnít real enough for me.

Yet each time I surfed past it, I lingered a little longer.

I wasnít attracted to the violence Ė though it had about as much as most other shows.

I was attracted to Kirk.

He seemed so much in control of his universe; I could not help but admire him, especially since I had so little control over my own.

As a girl, I should have been taken with one of the female characters.

But they seemed too weak to me.

Maybe I should have liked Spock since his character was more girl-like than any of the other men.

Girls I met later adored him.

But he controlled only himself where as Kirk controlled everything.

When my father beat my mother, I would think: Kirk wouldnít put up with that. He would fight back.

When my father beat me, I kicked and screamed until he stopped.

When I got a little older and my father got other ideas in his head, I warned him to behave or else.

Then he went and crept into my bed one night.

I thought: ďWhat would Captain Kirk do?Ē

Thatís why I grabbed the scissors.

Thatís why I stabbed my father in the chest.

And the only reason Iím in trouble now is because Iím not Captain Kirk.

I only wish I was.

 

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